ways_infirmary | Infirmary thread for Valjean

Marius casts a last, bewildered look at Joly, but the renewal of Cosette's tears is at last enough to pull him out of himself and to her side.

"All shall be well now," he says, putting his arm around her shoulders. "Your father shall come to live with us as he should have done at the first."

Valjean smiles, that is all. Go and live with them? It is not possible.

'Monsieur le Baron. You will take care of my little Cosette, it is all that is needed. Live your lives together, you do not need my shadow at your hearth. It is well, I need nothing more.'

He moves his arm towards Marius, and only then notices there seems to be a tube of some kind in it. He had not noticed it being placed there, and stares at it for a moment before lowering the limb back to the sheets.

And then he sees that his sleeves are rolled up, and his breath catches in the back of his throat. He releases Cosette's hand and starts trying to pull them down. For the first time today, a tear makes it to the corner of his eye and quiet terror begins to make its way over his face.

'Monsieur,' he says to Marius, clearly pleading.

Marius reaches over to gently lay a hand on top of Valjean's. "Joly-- the doctor has done his work, you must not disturb it." But the other sleeve, without the strange tube? Surely that can be rolled back down, to give Valjean some comfort. As he turns the fabric down, Marius says, "But father, there is nothing more to hide from us. From either of us."

She catches his hand up again, and clasps it tightly between her own. She's been leaning gratefully into Marius's embrace, but now she bends over her father again.

"Papa -- papa, you mustn't distress yourself! Be easy. You are my dear father, I love you. Your poor hand! Be easy. You need not suffer anything more. I know, I know now, you hid away from me, but you needn't, truly you needn't. Not from your dear little Cosette. You must live with us and be happy."

And she kisses his worn old hand, the one without a strange tube in it, and presses it to her soft wet cheek.

His gaze shifts from one to the other as he tries to comprehend this. Marius says there is nothing more to hide, but that cannot be the case, and Cosette says, you hid away from me which is true, but does not shed light on anything.

He looks down to the one covered wrist, his fingers fumbling to close the button, his face muddled and dazed.

'I am not suffering, because I have seen you now. It is nothing to die you know, nothing, but to die alone is a very bad thing. I thought you would not come but I was a fool, and here you are and we need not speak anymore, there is no need for it. I will be easy, I shall do as you say.'

He cannot close the thing, but the scar is hidden there and he tries to keep the other down by his side.

I know now she said, but what does that mean?

"Don't talk so!"

She starts out of her chair, just enough to move to sit beside him on his narrow bed with its strange soft Milliways mattress. Then she can rest her head on his shoulder, half sitting and half lying down like a child curled up against her father, to stop him fumbling at his arms and give them both comfort, and to spare herself the unbearable sight of his face so pained and dazed. All her life he's been the strong center, the anchor and the constant; she can't bear any longer to look at that expression on his face.

"You mustn't speak of dying. You're not going to leave your little Cosette. You're not! To think of it! You will never be alone again, Papa."

"No, indeed!" Marius agrees. He moves no closer, but sinks to his knees beside the bed. "You have had sorrow, it is true, but a man does not die of that! You shall not leave us again, we will not let you."

He wraps one arm around her on instinct, as if she were a tiny girl again, and he were still teaching her her letters. He closes his eyes, and remembers that first room of theirs, where he would sit and watch her play on the floor for hours and hours, unable to comprehend how this angel had fallen into his life. And she is still here, and his new son at his side, and it is like Heaven come to earth.

'I may stay, then?'

Tears again, and these make it as far as his cheeks.

'I am forgiven?'

"Oh, Father!" she sobs. "You have never been anything else."

He must be asking God. He can't be asking them directly; that would be absurd. He closed himself away from their lives, he shut himself away from her, that's all -- but for God, the question's always valid, because all humans are sinners, but the answer's also always true. God is forgiveness, for those who repent their sin, and her father is so good.

And didn't she ask God that same joyful disbelieving question in her heart just a little while ago, in spite of all her fear, when her father called her Cosette and tu and held out his hand to her once more?

"There is nothing to forgive," Marius agrees fervently. "You will come home with us, and all will be well."

Valjean has asked God that question a thousand, a hundred thousand times.

This time her answer, Marius's, are the only ones that matter.

'I will come home with you, and all will be well.'

He repeats it dumbly, but his face is sad now, his head shaking. How can he go home with them? Cosette is here, but what does it change?

'You say it, but you do not understand. My children; you are good, and you are happy. Love each other well.'

He does not let go of Cosette, because this all seems to a dream, where there are lights and people, and tubes and machines, and he would so much like to believe it could be this easy. But he is tired, and it has been a lifetime of knowing he can never be forgiven. For it to end this way...oh, he will try, and his heart will believe every word out of her mouth simply because he wants to. His heart is foolish, though. His head says these are not words meant for him.

She closes her mouth on the words she wants to say. She does, but they swell inside her, until she feels as if she's going to burst -- until she does burst out, "I don't understand?"

She pushes herself up -- not away, but enough to glare with teary fierceness down at him. "You have never told me! You hide yourself away, you never let me understand, then you tell me I don't! Father! Let me tell you something. I know some of your secrets now. I tell you I don't care. I don't care a bit about them, I tell you! You are a saint, you are a martyr, you are my dear father. If you--"

and her voice breaks here, against her will, and she has to catch in a sob before she can go on.

"--if you have forgiven me, if only you love me as your dear daughter again, I tell you nothing in your past means a fig to me."

'You know-?'

How can she know? He turns frightened eyes to Marius, swimming in confusion, lost in sudden terror.

He is no saint. He is no martyr. He only ever wanted her to love him, and now she says none of it matters but that, and he should be happy but he is only terrified. How can she know? The question rings in his ears, just like the one she asked of him, once. Father, are they still men?

Convicts do not become men. They do not have daughters who are angels, or if they do it is because they steal them.

Valjean releases her from his grasp. His hand unconsciously goes to his uncovered wrist, closing around it like a shackle. And then he groans, and brings both hands up to cover his face, so that she might not see him weep.

"No--"

Oh, she's doing everything wrong, she's just grieved him again, she's made it all worse. "No, Papa, please, I'm sorry. Father, don't cry -- be easy, be calm, oh! Forget I said a thing. I said nothing. We will all be happy, that's all, all three of us together!"

She catches at his arm, and sends a look of mute, helpless plea at Marius, at M. Joly across the room. She's done it all wrong, in her rush of feeling. But maybe the doctor can help again, he can soothe her father or say the right thing.

Joly's been giving them as much space as he can, but on seeing his patient getting so agitated, he returns, carrying another couple of paper cups that he places discreetly out of the way as he joins the family again.

Joly knows nothing of convicts and secrets. He has a patient, who has no reason to die, and a family that seems to be giving him nothing but assurance, and the patient is frantic. This is strange, but he's seen worse.

"Come now, Monsieur. Your daughter is entirely right; you have let yourself become ill, but you will recover. There is no reason at all you cannot go back to your family and live with them as you should." This he says clearly, as much for Cosette's benefit as her father's. "All you need do is rest a few days. And they may stay with you here; you know no time passes on your side. All will be well, only you must let yourself rest."

He reaches up to take Valjean's arm, the one with the IV in, and encourage him to straighten it out again.

He is so tired, it seems impossible even to rest. But perhaps less impossible than everything else.

He allows his arm to be manipulated, and does not look at anyone, his face cast down.

'I am sorry, Cosette,' he mumbles, eventually.

'Do not distress yourself for me. I am quite well, as you see. Look, I will smile.'

And so he does, except he is still weeping a little, and it is a terrible thing rather than something of joy.

"Here, if you'll swallow this, it will be much easier." Joly gives him a couple of very small white pills out of one cup, and holds up the other to let him have some water to wash it down with.

There; worried and confused as his patient might be, chemistry will soon do its work, and he'll be soundly asleep in minutes.

Cosette will cling close, to stroke back his white hair while he swallows pills and water, and to hold his hand as he falls asleep, and to bend and kiss his forehead when he's only nearly asleep.

When she's quite, quite sure that he's sleeping -- only then does she draw away, just far enough to hide her face in Marius's shoulder. If he's still kneeling on the ground, so be it; she'll sink to the ground with him.

She'll speak to the doctor, her husband's dear friend -- their dear friend now, for she'll never forget this -- in just a moment or two. She'll be ready then. But for a little while, she only wants to be held.

Another luxury of Milliways; there's time and space enough to let patients and families rest and grieve and worry in peace and in their own time, instead of a line of people waiting for every bed and seat. Joly may never stop being grateful for that.

So he lets the time be, and keeps himself quietly busy. He gets a blanket for M. Fauchlevent from the supply cabinet, and recalibrates the monitors for a man sleeping, instead of awake (and Joly's satisfied to see that the readings are nearer to what they should be for a man sleeping; whatever's agitating M. Fauchelevent seems to be a problem that will at least let him have some rest, even if he needs help to find it.)

And then there's time to send a note with a rat for some hot tea, and something stronger for Marius and his dear wife if they want it; and then Joly has nothing to do but wait and study the patient's results and plan the next steps of treatment, so he does that. They all have time enough.

Marius holds her tight, pressing his cheek against her hair. And tries not to think about how little he deserves this, or her. In any case, he won't be the first to pull away-- he'll follow her cue, wait until she's ready.

She doesn't know how long it is. Long enough to get ahold of herself a little; long enough for some comfort. Long enough to begin to feel as if she can talk to the doctor again, and then to feel that she needs to. She needs to thank him, and she needs to know more, and she needs to be an adult now; she needs to be Madame Pontmercy, not huddle like a frightened child. No matter how much she's felt like a frightened child ever since Javert showed up on their doorstep with his horrible news.

She draws away at last. She gives her husband a watery, brave smile, and then she fumbles out a handkerchief and dries her face as best she can. She must look a mess, and that strikes her in her vanity, but there's nothing to be done right now.

"My darling," she says. "I must beg your forgiveness for how little I've explained. I've been wanting to tell you all about Milliways, it's only -- only I couldn't think how to begin."

"And you, M. Joly--" She turns now, raising her voice, and finds a smile from somewhere, and a deep curtsey. "I can never thank you enough for the help you've given my dear father."

Marius shakes his head. "There is nothing to forgive." How could she have explained it? He can't imagine anything she could say would have made him believe in-- all this.

He turns to Joly, as well. "Joly, I--" Am glad you appear to somehow be alive? "--thank you."

Joly smiles at them as if they've just arrived, and no one's been having private conversations in front of him any ever. "Thank you both for bringing him. I'm so glad to have a chance to do him--and you--any good at all."

He waves at a couple of chairs near to the desk. There's a tray with real cups and a couple of thermoses on it. "Won't you--? I'm sure you both have questions."

About their father, and about people who should be dead and aren't.

Cosette glances up at her husband, though she knows her answer, and then tucks her hand into his elbow so they can make their way across the room.

Her nose is stuffed up, her eyes red, her face splotchy, her eyelashes clumped wetly. Handkerchiefs only do so much. But she carries herself as composedly as she can. She'll sit in the chair it's pulled out for her, and she'll look to Marius to begin with his questions first, unless he looks to her helplessly instead.

Marius pulls her chair out, of course, and then sits as well. Now, facing Joly once more, the only questions in his mind are about Joly himself, about their friends, about the barricade. But that is not the matter at hand.

"What--" He glances back at Valjean, asleep. "What may be done for him? Have you hope of his recovery?"

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